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Sometimes I wonder, Dekar….Does anybody else think of you every single day, the way I think of you every single day?    

Sometimes I remember you with a smile, sometimes with a tear. Sometimes I just look at your picture and I wonder….   

What is it like to be in heaven?  Do you see me?  Do you see your brothers and sisters and your dad?  Do you have ice cream with us on “Dekar Day”?  I like to think so, but I don’t know. It’s a thing we do on Earth…  So, I just sit and wonder…I like to think that you bring out ice cream and share it with all the other babies who left their moms and dads too soon.  I say “too soon” because of me–not because of you.    I feel the void, the absence of your presence–the awareness of the life that was so short, yet impacted me so greatly.     

I really don’t expect anybody else to remember the way I do.  I am your mother, and from the moment I got the news of your diagnosis I grieved the loss of you, my son.  Is it possible to have a life selfishly centered around another person?  Because if it is, I’m guilty–my moments, seconds, minutes, hours, days and weeks became “all about you”.   I wanted every moment to count.    

I was the one planning for your arrival–knowing full well it was to say “good-bye”.   You were with me–you were the REASON for every moment of my planning, my grieving, and my tears.  You were the reason for the ice-cream that was eaten all too often….When I saw an outfit hanging at Target, I knew it was meant for you.  Even if you would only wear it once, I knew it was still meant for you.    

I had the privilege of the all-encompassing “connection”….feeling you kick and move. Even when your brothers and sisters felt you move from the outside, it still wasn’t the deep, full movements that I felt–the squirm that radiated through my whole being.   When I would feel the jabs I would wonder,  “Is this the last time I’ll feel him move?”….. I’m thankful the movements continued.  Did you know, Dekar, that I’m not a big ice-cream freak, but when I discovered that YOU seemed to enjoy it, I ate it as often as I could?   Did you know that you helped make me into a quite “full-figured” woman?  😉  It’s okay with me–every extra ounce of weight I gained because of eating too much ice-cream was worth it.  

I’m thankful that you shared a day with us.  But on days like today I wish I could see you, feel you, and kiss you.  I wish you were here to eat ice cream WITH us, instead of us having ice-cream in memory of you…   

I know God’s timing is perfect and I know you are in Heaven–in perfect peace and surrounded by only love.   I wouldn’t want to take that from you…but I do wonder what it is like and I wish I could see you there.  I think I might just have a Brownie Earthquake and think about it–Brownie Earthquakes made you kick and that made me smile….and tonight I need to remember that feeling.  So after having ice cream with the family, I will go off alone and indulge and wonder.  It’s what I need to do today.   

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Our new pup Jazzie enjoyed her first Dekar Day ice-cream cone.

Brownie Earthquake--worth every calorie.

Later….  

I don’t usually take pictures of ice-cream, but it was worthy of being remembered–as silly as that may sound, and even I think it is  silly to take a picture of ice-cream.  I want to remember the ice-cream mostly because I remembered you so deeply that day.   Dekar, I had watched your videos and looked at your pictures as much as time allowed on what would have been your 22nd month on earth…but it wasn’t your 22nd month on earth.  It was your 22nd month in heaven.  As much as I love the fact that you are in heaven and that I will see you someday, I equally hated that you are in heaven instead of with me—I wanted to be with you NOW. The ever shifting emotions connected with grief continue to bewilder me. How can I go from smiling at your picture to breaking down in tears that don’t stop….how can I appreciate the time I spent with you and then be sad that I didn’t do “more” with the time that I did have?  How can I hate that I went through this yet would never give up the experience for anything in the world? 

My relationships have changed, my views have changed. Carrying you and losing you has forever transformed me to my very core. I am waiting for the time when I can be at total peace with this “new me”. Some days I think I am there, but then I learn of a new loss that I didn’t realize I suffered…a changed or lost relationship, a lost dream.  This was one of those days that I evaluated and reevaluated.  I looked at your face and little body and wondered what else will my eyes be opened to and my heart be transformed by? It’s like a constant waxing and waning.  Some, I think, have the notion that the death of a baby is something that will be forgotten and only remembered on occasion. They have no way of understanding that it is something that is right there all the time. 

When I ate the Brownie Earthquake that evening, I ended the day with a smile.  I remembered your life.  I thought of your little sounds and the smile you gave us right before  you passed on.  You only knew love and you only gave love.  And your life keeps on giving–I will never be the same.

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