Some people who stumble across this site may wonder “why”? Why have a site dedicated to a lost baby? Well, for me, I started it as an easy way to share Dekar’s Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep video. It also was an easy way to share his story without having to send it out individually. I didn’t have the energy for that. Then I just kept adding posts here and there. Some I have removed, but most I have kept posted.
When I look back and read some of the stuff I posted, honestly…..I cringe. I don’t really like what I wrote, or the tone I wrote it, or the way I conveyed my feelings. But I keep them there because it is all real. I could go back and edit things, but I wrote what I wrote and I stand by the words I wrote, even if they aren’t pretty or eloquent. If I changed anything now, I would take away the reality of what I felt at the time. Grief is a weird thing. Some days I could feel fine and felt “over” the loss of Dekar, and then the next day I could feel so sad that it felt like a truck hit me. So my up/down, nice/not-so-nice posts are all real.
Here we are, three years and five months later. And here is more of my reality:
- We still have a Dekar Day every month. We break out the ice cream or some other too-sweet treat and remember Dekar’s short, but full life. My one son never made the connection that we did this on the 27th because Dekar was born on the 27th….but now he knows. 🙂 Today is that day!–We will likely go to a store and pick out whatever flavor strikes our fancy. Sprinkles have become a frequent occurrence of the memory celebration.
- I have a box of Dekar’s photos that are still not in albums. I requested that they all be printed in order–from birth to the last moments–so that the albums would show the flow of his life. But I can’t do it. I haven’t even opened the box to look at the photos. Why not? I don’t know. I just can’t do it. For my birthday I requested some photo albums specifically for this purpose–thinking that would help me make the next move. Well, my birthday was in October, and the albums and box of photos still sit. Someday.
- Dekar’s ashes are still in the box that the funeral director gave me. I thought that once I got the perfect urn that it would not be a hard thing to have the ashes placed in the urn. Wrong. The urn sits in my memory cabinet, and the ashes sit in the cardboard box in my closet. It’s another thing that will happen Someday.
I keep this site up now not so much to share Dekar’ story or video, but because many people search for baby obituaries. I know how helpful that is for them–it was in the reality of what I was going through that I saw the need to have a reference site of baby obituaries.
I also keep this site up because it was, and still is, my reality. I also know there are others going through their own reality that may be similar to mine: I was pregnant, Dekar was given a diagnosis of “incompatible with life”, I hit the grieving stage from the moment of diagnosis, I carried to term, I wondered if Dekar would open his eyes and meet his family, I said hello, I saw him smile, I said good-bye, I wrote an obituary, I gained too much weight while pregnant, I encountered kindness, sincerity, coldness and indifference. Put a million other realities in there, and that is my story.
In all of this I did the best I could. Just like with this blog–it has simply been my reality. I am not a “professional” blogger and don’t have any desire to be. But I do want people who have had to deal with the loss of a baby, directly or indirectly, have a place where they can safely say, “I can relate to that” or “that helps me understand why my sister is acting a bit off, even a year after losing her baby” or “these obituaries are really helpful–I have no idea how to write a baby obituary….”
Maybe you can’t put your photos in albums, or your baby’s ashes in the urn. Or maybe you are just the opposite and look at the photos every day and light a candle by the urn every morning. Our realities are the same–just dealt with in a different way. There is no right or wrong. All I know is that I would gladly share an ice cream with you, listen to your story, and love having the opportunity to share mine.
12 comments
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November 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm
Karen
It has been 25 years since I miscarried my child and my heart still rips apart every year on what was to have been her birthday, Nov. 19. Thank you for site. I needed it.
November 19, 2012 at 3:43 pm
Madge
Happy Heavenly birthday to your child. I’m glad the site has been helpful.
February 13, 2012 at 11:56 pm
Jess
I want to thank you for your website. We learned our baby would be full term stillborn and delivered the following day on october 17 th. I did not know where to begin to write an obituary but thanks to your site I write it perfectly. I had many compliments on it and want to pass the tha nks on to you.
February 17, 2012 at 2:27 pm
Madge
Jess, I am so glad that Dekar’s memorial site has helped you. I also had a hard time knowing where to start with writing in obit. I would be honored to post yours in the samples if you are willing. Thanks for coming by to let me know this helped–it means a lot to me. I am sorry for your loss.
January 17, 2012 at 9:26 am
Trish
It’s wonderful that you have so many pictures to celebrate Dekar’s life. I’m in a similar boat – lost baby Sofia to HLHS and still blogging about it. It has only (?) been half a year.
January 18, 2012 at 5:38 pm
Madge
I have heard it said that the first year is the “hardest”, but I think every day/year/moment is just different. I’m sorry about Sofia–I hope you had some treasured time with her. Thanks for stopping by.
January 2, 2012 at 1:58 pm
AMBER
i STILL FOLLOW YOUR BLOG ABOUT DEKAR AND I THINK ABOUT YOU AND HIM OFTEN. THIS WAS WONDERFULLY WRITTEN. STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF AND YOUR FEELINGS. THIS IS SUCH A HELPFUL BLOG FOR OTHER MOM’S WHO ARE GOING THROUGH A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE.
January 3, 2012 at 9:10 am
Madge
Thank you, Amber. I do appreciate the encouragement.
December 30, 2011 at 1:09 pm
Heather Henry
I visit your site often. I am carrying my son, David, who has Trisomy 13. We received his diagnosis on October 3 of this year. I pray I get to carry him to term and that he doesn’t pass before then. Every day we celebrate his kicks and moves. We love. We grieve. We walk around like zombies trying to fathom the death sentence that has come with our little bundle of joy. And that is what he is…our little joy.
I am using your birth plan as a model for my own. Thank you for leaving your site up. It is a light in a dark world; it helps those of us who find ourselves on the same journey, a little further down the road. I celebrate Dekar’s life with you through your website. He is precious and a beautiful gift that lives on and has a legacy. Thank you.
December 31, 2011 at 8:54 pm
Madge
Heather, what a lovely comment you left for me. Thank you so much. I am sorry about David’s diagnosis; I pray you get to look into his beautiful eyes.
Several women shared their birth plans with me and I am so thankful to them. It was very helpful for me to have a focus and plan, especially when there were so many unknowns.
Thanks again for the visits and I’m glad that the site is helpful to you. Please consider sharing any memory items, cards, or his obituary–I know they are helpful to others. You may contact me via the “contact” link.
November 28, 2011 at 6:45 pm
Mel
There’s no right way to get through this, just our own way. I’m glad you’ve been true to yourself and doing what is best for your family.
xx
November 28, 2011 at 12:37 am
Joni Owada
((((HUGS))) dear friend…thanks for sharing and what a wonderful idea about the birthday party every month!!! Here in Japan they absolutely LOVE green tea ice-cream…me not so much, but perhaps it would be fun to try one month!
Little steps!
hugs
Joni