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Some people who stumble across this site may wonder “why”?  Why have a site dedicated to a lost baby?  Well, for me, I started it as an easy way to share Dekar’s Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep video.  It also was an easy way to share his story without having to send it out individually.  I didn’t have the energy for that.  Then I just kept adding posts here and there.  Some I have removed, but most I have kept posted.

When I look back and read some of the stuff I posted, honestly…..I cringe.  I don’t really like what I wrote, or the tone I wrote it, or the way I conveyed my feelings.  But I keep them there because it is all real. I could go back and edit things, but I wrote what I wrote and I stand by the words I wrote, even if they aren’t pretty or eloquent. If I changed anything now, I would take away the reality of what I felt at the time.  Grief is a weird thing. Some days I could feel fine and felt “over” the loss of Dekar, and then the next day I could feel so sad that it felt like a truck hit me.  So my up/down, nice/not-so-nice posts are all real

Here we are, three years and five months later.  And here is more of my reality:

  • We still have a Dekar Day every month.  We break out the ice cream or some other too-sweet treat and remember Dekar’s short, but full life.  My one son never made the connection that we did this on the 27th because Dekar was born on the 27th….but now he knows. 🙂 Today is that day!–We will likely go to a store and pick out whatever flavor strikes our fancy.  Sprinkles have become a frequent occurrence of the memory celebration.
  • I have a box of Dekar’s photos that are still not in albums.  I requested that they all be printed in order–from birth to the last moments–so that the albums would show the flow of his life.  But I can’t do it.  I haven’t even opened the box to look at the photos.  Why not? I don’t know.  I just can’t do it.  For my birthday I requested some photo albums specifically for this purpose–thinking that would help me make the next move.  Well, my birthday was in October, and the albums and box of photos still sit.  Someday.
  • Dekar’s ashes are still in the box that the funeral director gave me.  I thought that once I got the perfect urn that it would not be a hard thing to have the ashes placed in the urn.  Wrong.  The urn sits in my memory cabinet, and the ashes sit in the cardboard box in my closet.  It’s another thing that will happen Someday.

I keep this site up now not so much to share Dekar’ story or video, but because many people search for baby obituaries.  I know how helpful that is for them–it was in the reality of what I was going through that I saw the need to have a reference site of baby obituaries. 

I also keep this site up because it was, and still is, my reality.  I also know there are others going through their own reality that may be similar to mine:  I was pregnant, Dekar was given a diagnosis of “incompatible with life”, I hit the grieving stage from the moment of diagnosis,  I carried to term, I wondered if Dekar would open his eyes and meet his family, I said hello, I saw him smile,  I said good-bye, I wrote an obituary, I gained too much weight while pregnant, I encountered kindness, sincerity, coldness and indifference.  Put a million other realities in there, and that is my story.

In all of this I did the best I could.  Just like with this blog–it has simply been my reality.  I am not a “professional” blogger and don’t have any desire to be.  But I do want people who have had to deal with the loss of a baby, directly or indirectly, have a place where they can safely say, “I can relate to that” or “that helps me understand why my sister is acting a bit off, even a year after losing her baby”  or “these obituaries are really helpful–I have no idea how to write a baby obituary….” 

Maybe you can’t put your photos in albums, or your baby’s ashes in the urn.  Or maybe you are just the opposite and look at the photos every day and light a candle by the urn every morning.  Our realities are the same–just dealt with in a different way. There is no right or wrong.  All I know is that I would gladly share an ice cream with you, listen to your story, and love having the opportunity to share mine.

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This does not include all the pages and links posted–And it’s also not necessarily in order. (If you come across any dead links I would really appreciate knowing about them.  Please use “contact” form.  Thanks!)

Dekar’s Obituary and other SAMPLE INFANT OBITUARIES 

Dekar gave us a lifetime of Love during his short time on earthwhat I sent out to inform people of Dekar’s birth and passing–it’s his story, in a nutshell.

Babies with Trisomy 13 or 18 (Dekar is included)YouTube video made by NILMDTS with images of T13/T18 babies

Slideshow of our time with Dekar, courtesy of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleepthe slideshow made for us by NILMDTS.  Danielle Felton took the pictures and Christine Barrack made the slideshow. 

“Dekar Day”–the 27th of every monthhow we remember Dekar on a monthly basis

Praying for a Miracle; Planning for a funeralhow I continued on after Dekar’s diagnosis and the plans I made for his arrival and passing.  This is not what a pregnancy is suppose to “look” like.   I also talk about regrets I have, the grace I gave myself,  and what I wish I could do differently.

My Experience with NILMDTSI had never heard of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep before-so I wrote about my experience with them so others would understand them a bit more from a parent’s perspective.

The Heavy Burden of Empty Armswhat others don’t see when they look at me….

A Full LifeDekar had one!

Dekar’s Memorial Ornament, 2008 and 2009

HopeLink to Steven Curtis Chapman’s song WITH HOPE, along with lyrics.  It’s a beautiful song that I discovered soon after finding Dekar’s first memorial ornament.

A nurse’s thoughts and perspective on the birth of Dekar–my main nurse graciously shared her thoughts and gave me permission to share them.

Forever an infantas my other children grow, Dekar remains forever an infant

Dekar’s Name in the Sandone lady’s mission to help remember other babies who died too soon.

My Mom, A Pair of Shoes, and other poemsI just like these poems–I am adding as I find them.  Updated 11/06/11

I guess…some people have never said anything about the passing of my son…..

Dekar Day, another loss, faithful friends, and a random act of kindnessthe title just about covers it

Bittersweet milestone

First Mother’s Day without Dekar

The babies that were meant just for me

Happy Birthday, DekarDekar’s first birthday a small pictorial tribute to his short life

I Miss Dekar

Dekar’s Foot Impression and 3d Foot and Hand molds and another memory item

Strength–Coping with the very end result of the “Incompatible With Life” diagnosisthe hardest part was not knowing if I could handle holding my deceased infant son. 

Smiling for SharonSharon’s daughter, Charlize, was diagnosed the same as Dekar–hypoplastic heart and Trisomy 18.  Charlize blessed her family with 58 days!  She is a beautiful little girl and I’m so glad Sharon shared her life with me.

The Mourning Boothnot sure what to say or do for somebody who is mourning?  Watch this. 

A Pleasant Reminderone small effort is forever ingrained in my memory as one of the kindest actions I have ever experienced in my life.

Still Making Memoriesa memorial snowglobe created by a talented photographer/friend.

Dekar’s 22nd month in heaven–a letter to Dekar

Final Diagnosis–Trisomy 18the email I sent to family and friends to relate the news of our baby’s Trisomy 18/hypoplastic left heart diagnosis 

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