I remember sitting in the hospital the day after Dekar was born.  I stared out the window while eating my breakfast. 

I wondered why Dekar had to die when so many babies were not wanted.  Why Dekar, when so many were not loved and cared for by their mothers.  As soon as the question entered my mind, a gentle voice said, “That is why YOU were chosen to be Dekar’s mother.  Because despite his diagnosis, I knew you would still give him a chance at life.”  Then I thought of what could have happened with Dekar, specifically,  if he had been one of those other women’s child—-and it stabbed me in the heart but then I was flooded with peace.  Even though I felt the loss deeply, that gentle voice answered the question of “Why my baby?”  Because Dekar was meant specifically for me.

Dekar was not just any baby–he was MY baby.  God gave him to me, knowing I would be the best mother I could for him.  No matter the outcome he would still be my son.  Would I have really wanted him to be somebody else’s–knowing that they would abuse, abort, or not care for  him?  No. 

I would never make light of the questions people ask:  “Why me, why my baby….why, when I wanted a baby so bad?”  If it were up to me NO babies would die or be hurt in any way.  But I’m not in control of any of that.   My recent miscarriage made no sense to me, and still doesn’t.  The first thing I did was throw up my questions to God: What was He thinking?  How could He allow this to happen?  Why?   I lost Dekar, why did you allow me to lose another one?

Even though I am not carrying that baby any longer and will never hold that baby in my arms, it doesn’t change that fact that I am still that baby’s mother.  I still held a life inside of me that was precious.   I still mothered that baby the best I knew how, just as I did with Dekar.  

I can be sad about the outcome, but I can also thank God He gave me a baby to love–a baby meant for me, and nobody else.

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