I remember sitting in the hospital the day after Dekar was born. I stared out the window while eating my breakfast.
I wondered why Dekar had to die when so many babies were not wanted. Why Dekar, when so many were not loved and cared for by their mothers. As soon as the question entered my mind, a gentle voice said, “That is why YOU were chosen to be Dekar’s mother. Because despite his diagnosis, I knew you would still give him a chance at life.” Then I thought of what could have happened with Dekar, specifically, if he had been one of those other women’s child—-and it stabbed me in the heart but then I was flooded with peace. Even though I felt the loss deeply, that gentle voice answered the question of “Why my baby?” Because Dekar was meant specifically for me.
Dekar was not just any baby–he was MY baby. God gave him to me, knowing I would be the best mother I could for him. No matter the outcome he would still be my son. Would I have really wanted him to be somebody else’s–knowing that they would abuse, abort, or not care for him? No.
I would never make light of the questions people ask: “Why me, why my baby….why, when I wanted a baby so bad?” If it were up to me NO babies would die or be hurt in any way. But I’m not in control of any of that. My recent miscarriage made no sense to me, and still doesn’t. The first thing I did was throw up my questions to God: What was He thinking? How could He allow this to happen? Why? I lost Dekar, why did you allow me to lose another one?
Even though I am not carrying that baby any longer and will never hold that baby in my arms, it doesn’t change that fact that I am still that baby’s mother. I still held a life inside of me that was precious. I still mothered that baby the best I knew how, just as I did with Dekar.
I can be sad about the outcome, but I can also thank God He gave me a baby to love–a baby meant for me, and nobody else.
6 comments
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June 22, 2010 at 10:25 pm
Tisha
Marge, thanks for mentioning this post. I still find it helpful, even after some good news today. A dear friend prayed for me today, and thanked God that He chose my husband and I to trust Him. I do feel privileged to trust Him, in the midst of what seem like great trials, and even though I often cannot begin to understand Him or His ways.
September 17, 2009 at 2:37 pm
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July 5, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Sheila - Runnin' Late, Again!
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June 26, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Jackie
I think about Dekar and you often as well. We are planning to have an ice cream cake as dessert tomorrow night to celebrate Dekars first birthday amd Dekar day.
Please let me know how i can help in any way.
Big Hugs
June 26, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Michele
Honey, I feel exactly the same way. While there is not a day that goes by that I dont think of and miss the babies I held and the babies I lost early, I know that we were chosen to be their parents because we would love them forever, no matter what. And that is a special gift.
Sending you hugs…
June 26, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Amber
Wow… that is well said Marge. I think about you and Dekar often.