I didn’t get out of my pajamas for several days after getting Dekar’s diagnosis–I am thankful that God doesn’t care how I look or smell when I cry out to Him.

I am thankful that God understands the depth of the heart cry “Oh God, help me.”  That was all I could pray for a while.

I am thankful that God planned everything so perfectly the day that Dekar was born.  When I find myself worrying about something I can rest in the fact that God is in control and that God cares.  I have the very real experience of Dekar’s eight hours on earth.  God took care of details that I did not think of and certainly couldn’t have planned.  If God did that for me then, He does it for me now.  It helps calm me in times of stress.

I am thankful that I spoke to Dekar.  When I looked in his face and saw his poor color I was silent–he had the face of death.  All I could think was “This isn’t right!  This isn’t how it is supposed to be!  Dekar is supposed to be alive to meet his brothers and sisters!………..”  and while I was fretting, I remembering hearing a gentle voice say, “Speak to him.  Dekar knows your voice.”  And so I did.  I said, “Hey, Dekar.”  I didn’t know what to say–but as I kept talking he moved his head and attempted to open his eyes, looking for the voice that he heard for months while growing inside of me. Then he attempted to cry.  The nurse told me afterwards that was a miracle–usually babies in Dekar’s situation continue to deteriorate more and need medical intervention to respond.  But my voice, and my husband’s voice, was what Dekar needed.  I am thankful I didnt’ give into my grief, listened to the beckoning, and spoke to him. 

This morning I ran across a highlighted verse in my bible — I had  Dekar’s name scribbled beside it:

 Isaiah 57:1-2

 The righteous perish,
   and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
   and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
   to be spared from evil. 
Those who walk uprightly
   enter into peace; 
   they find rest as they lie in death.

I am thankful that although I don’t remember highlighting that verse, that God used it as a reminder for me today that He cares about Dekar and that he has been spared from evil and finds rest as he lies in death.  

I am thankful that although Dekar is not here with me, he is in total peace and at rest in Heaven. 

I am thankful for the experience.  I am thankful there were people to support me and help guide me with decision-making.  I am thankful that I can now extend that same kindness to others.

 I am thankful I have a new perspective and a new hope. 

Happy Thanksgiving, Dekar.  Tomorrow I’ll have some ice cream, remember the beauty of your short life, and be thankful for God’s continued faithfulness.

 

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