I am so blessed that I got to see Dekar alive, even though it was only for a short while. I loved being able to hold him, kiss, smell, touch and talk to him. From Dekar’s first struggling breaths to his last, he gave his all to us. We were able to lavish him with love, and every moment was cherished.
I’ve shared a few pictures and the email I sent after his birth and the events that followed. I had written much of that while in the hospital the day after Dekar died. The quietness in the hospital room was so loud that is was screaming at me. It stinks to recover from a c-section, but at least you get to oogle at a beautiful baby. That day, June 28th, I woke up alone and ate breakfast with no baby to stare at in a bassinet. Cortney was home with the other kids, so the silence was deafening.
I am constantly aware of the fact that my baby isn’t here with me. I came home with empty arms and the burden of those empty arms is a heavy one.
Nobody can feel the load I carry any more than they can see the wind blow. But the pain I feel and the emptiness that has been left in my heart is real and I am always aware of it. I am also aware that I am not the person I once was, even though it may seem so from the outside.
To everybody else, it seems that life goes on. That is the hardest part for me. My arms are empty, but my hands are busy. Very busy. There are still the regular, daily needs that have to be attended to. Since my hands are busy it appears that life is continuing on as normal. But it’s not.
When Dekar took his last breath, he also took part of me with him. A person simply isn’t the same after they’ve held a lifetime in their arms. Life may go on, but it will never be the same.
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January 14, 2009 at 1:40 am
Anonymous
Well, I just wanted to tell you that you’re not alone. I also lost my son after only nine days from birth. He had Hypoplastic Left heart Syndrome. He was born on June 16,2008 and passed on June 25,2008 during surgery. I was with him day in and day out. Luckily, I was able to start waking only 45 minutes after giving birth and from then on, I never left his side. He too was a fighter. Everyone was so sure that he was going to be fine after his surgeries. I also came home with empty arms on June 25th. I have to pretend that everything is okay because my five year old daughter has taken it really hard and has cried everyday since J.R. passed away. My husband threatened to leave me if I went into depression. Imagine that? Anyways, I have to hide my feelings and I only have the chance to grieve when my husband is off to work and my daughter is at school. I’ve come to realize that I’ll never get over it and my life will never be the same, but sharing my story with others who are going through the same thing really helps alot.
December 3, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Doty
Thank you so much for sharing. I just can’t even imagine your loss. Your baby was beautiful.
I have to remember back many years ago when my aunt’s baby was stillborn. The doctors and her husband felt it would be better for her to not see the baby (WRONG!). My uncle had the crib and everything put away by the time she got home from the hospital. He thought he was doing the right thing. She was to go on as though the birth and child never happened. Believe me, that life in her body….life could never be the same for her. Her real grief actually came many years later after her other children were raised. Along with that grief came a certain amount of anger because she felt forced to shelve her sorrow so many years ago. So sad.
Thank God that this is a day and age where photos can be taken and you can talk about your loss instead of pretending like nothing happened.
Again, thank you for sharing. My sympathy and love to you and your family.
Doty
October 12, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Anonymous
Oh Marge… I am so sorry… I do continue to pray for you. I cannot even imagine how empty you must feel. ((((Marge)))) heres a hug form me to you.