I am so blessed that I got to see Dekar alive,  even though it was only for a short while.   I loved being able to hold him, kiss, smell, touch and talk to him.  From Dekar’s first struggling breaths to his last, he gave his all to us.  We were able to lavish him with love, and every moment was cherished.  

I’ve shared a few pictures and the email I sent after his birth and the events that followed.  I had written much of that while in the hospital the day after Dekar died.  The quietness in the hospital room was so loud that is was screaming at me.  It stinks to recover from a c-section, but at least you get to oogle at a beautiful baby.  That day, June 28th,  I woke up alone and ate breakfast with no baby to stare at in a bassinet.  Cortney was home with the other kids, so the silence was deafening. 

I am constantly aware of the fact that my baby isn’t here with me. I came home with empty arms and the burden of those empty arms is a heavy one. 

Nobody can feel the load I carry any more than they can see the wind blow.  But the pain I feel and the emptiness that has been left in my heart is real and I am always aware of it.  I am also aware that I am not the person I once was, even though it may seem so from the outside.

To everybody else, it seems that life goes on.  That is the hardest part for me.  My arms are empty, but my hands are busy.  Very busy.  There are still the regular, daily needs that have to be attended to.  Since my hands are busy it appears that life is continuing on as normal.  But it’s not.

When Dekar took his last breath, he also took part of me with him.  A person simply isn’t the same after they’ve held a lifetime in their arms.  Life may go on, but it will never be the same.

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